So last night I went out to kill something. Need to get me head back on straight. I went out at dusk all dressed in black with murder in my eyes… I couldn’t find anything! Neither man, nor women, nor child, nor beast was about in this here frosty suburban wasteland!
“Bloody hell!” I screams to the universe. “Bloody, bloody hell!”
Any other day there’d be a dozen smart looking monkey boys and girls out saying, “How are you? Lovely day. You’re looking well. Good evening. Arrrrrggggg!” They’re all so bloody nice around here it’s killing me.
Finally after three hours of lurking around in the dark (I’m a pretty good lurker, ranked highest in me class in lurkin’ as a lad) I spied a victim. Oh he was a cutie he was. A little puppy dog let out to do his nightly business. All alone and playing by himself. This one I was going to skin and make me some mittens out of his hide. I love puppy dog mittens.
So I sneaks up real quiet like (I’m real good at sneakin’ too) and I pulls out me beloved straight razor. The sound of steel slipping out of leather was like music to me ears. My breath quickened. My heart went a flutter. I got half across that backyard… and stepped on a twig. CRACK!!!! Me sneakin’ skills are going to hell.
The puppy dog hears that twig snap and comes running over yapping like a whole kennel of hellhounds. By the dark lord’s beard I couldn’t make up me mind to slash and flee or just slash so instead I just stands there like a rank amateur.
The puppy pulls right up to my feet and says, “Hi! Hi! Hi! Wanna play!? Do you huh? I got a ball! Wanna play with the ball!? I love the ball! Ball! Ball! Ball!”
“Uh…” I says a little taken off guard. I slips me razor back in its sheath behind me back so he doesn’t see it.
“Are you new around here? I’ve never seen you before? Do you want to play? I have a Ball! I love the Ball! Ball! Ball! Ball!”
It was turning out to be one depressing night. I couldn’t kill the little bugger with him having made all that noise so I figured at least I could scare the little tyke something fierce.
“Maybe you don’t want to play with me for you see I’m a demon from helllllllll,” and with that said I made me eyes glow fire red and all hellish like.
“Cool! That is sooooo cool! How did you do that! The humans say my eyes glow like that way when they take a picture! What’s a picture? What’s a demon? Do you want to play? I have a Ball! I love the Ball! Ball! Ball! Ball!”
Sigh… What could I do? I had no other options. My night was ruined, my souls gone corrupt and… he had a ball…
- Aimless
