Wednesday, April 16, 2008
When I got back from India I went over to Trey’s house and waited until he went out. I broke into his house and switched over into me full fledged demon suit and then waited. When he came home I could tell he knew something was up. He’s no fool I’ll give him that much, but that little hand cannon he was carrying wasn’t going to slow me down.
I knocked his sorry ass across the room and jacked him up the wall by the throat until his eyes were bulging out of that good looking face of his.
“Aimless!?!?” He recognized me right out, “What are you doing?” He managed to gag out.
“You set me up old Trey. Don’t much like being set up. Makes me angry. As a matter of fact I’m so angry I’m liable to pop your snide little head right off.”
“I didn’t set you up! I did as I was ordered.”
“Really?” I replied and then threw him to the other side of the room. Warmed me heart to watch him bounce off the wall like that.
“So the Archangel and the Admin types what almost sent me ass right to the interrogator… they was an oversight on your part?”
I never saw Trey look terrified before and certainly not because of me. It was right satisfying it was. He backed away from me like a rat in a corner and me taste for blood was rising, “I don’t know what you’re talking about! I was just following orders!”
I swept in and grabbed him by the throat and began to squeeze again. I was wondering if I could turn him into a living Pez dispenser when a voice behind me said, “Aimless put him down.”
I dropped the blighter, turned around and had a bit of a shock me self. He was in human form, but there was no denying who that was... Lucky was standing right behind me!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Despite all my chasing around after Sidious I ain't got one step closer to discovering what he's up to. After Deli I didn't intercept a single agent of his or scoop up one tidbit of useful information. It was at that point I decided to take him down.
He was standing on the wall that surrounds the lake when I approached him. I grabbed him and threw him into the water and then jumped in after him. When he came up I got quite a surprise. Something in that water washed away all the demon glamour and I realized I'd been snookered! This weren't Sidious! It was just some tourist who got the surprise of their life.
I was right embarrassed I was. Didn't act like me self. I actually helped the poor bloke out of the water and apologized. I apologized!?
That Sidious had pulled a real fast one on me and my searchers. I spent all this time chasing about India on a wild dragon chase. After stopping back in Bangalore for a few days to recuperate and pick up me stuff I headed back to the states and had to face the music from Trey. Of course I had a thing or two to say to him... more on that tomorrow.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Anyway after Sidious holed up in Jaipur he took a flight up to Jaisalmer into the desert. This had me somewhat vexed since I couldn't make no rhyme nor reason as to what the bloke was up to. I knew for sure that he weren't having no meets and greets with any associates since I was watching him real close.
I had to take the shadows to get up to Jaisalmer and it weren't long before I found him holed up in a place called Shreenath Palace in the golden fort. I hadn't been to this place in centuries and it brought back fond memories of blood and fire... ah the good old days.
Originally it were them Mughals what owned the place but it looks like the Hindus have gotten it back seeing as the cows are walking the streets. Gots to be real careful were you step in that place. Now the fort is all loaded down with merchants and you can't hardly get two feet without someone trying to drag you into their store. I just gives the old demon glowing red eye trick and they backs right down. The tourists ain't got such powers.
After a few nights in that palace Sidious moved his base of operations further out into the desert to an oasis/camp called Mool Sagar. He still hadn't met with anyone! I thought maybe he was collecting ingredients for a spell, but as near as I could tell all he'd picked up was souvenirs! An agent of evil collecting India memorabilia? It just didn't seem right.
Anyway I kept me eye on him at Mool Sagar and ended up a bloody pink color for me troubles. It seems the locals around here celebrate something called Holi where they throw brightly colored dyes at each other. I wasn't watching me back and whole herd monkey children caught me in a cloud of pink dye.
It's just not right! The bloody stuff don't come out! It's embarassin' it is! Who in all of bloody hell heard of a pink demon?! It sounds like cocktail! I've been back a week now and I still can't get it out. The bloody dye soaked right through me human apparition into me demon skin! If the boys back in detention see me like this I'm going to be a laughing stock... Bucky saw me... don't much like be laughed at like that...
Sunday, March 30, 2008
That so unnerved me I stepped back into the street and a stampede of Brahman bulls almost over ran me. This was followed by a crush of Tuk Tuk's (auto rickshaws) what was all bunched up behind the cattle. Then came the motorbikes, the goats, the pigs and a bloody elephant!
These streets in Delhi aren't meant for transportation they're a bloody zoo! This all happened during the day when I have a delicate constitution mind you. All that sun and traffic gave my stomach a turn it did.
I was very happy to get on the train to Agra later on in the day. Night time in Agra was lovely. A deathly pall of smog and smoke descended on the train platform where I was waiting. It invigorated me lungs and reminded me of home.
Uh-oh! Bucky's at the door.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
So me searchers were a right bunch of conjuring they were. They kept right behind that Sidious chap the whole time and he never was the wiser. I caught up to him in Delhi, actually old Delhi, and shadowed him for the whole day. The funny thing was he seemed more interested in the sights than engaging in any sort of evil machinations.
He stopped off at this place called Humayan’s tomb to start. I was all excited because I haven’t had a nice cup of tea in a tomb in ages and I figured I’d indulge meself when he wasn’t looking. Them there Mughals don’t make proper tombs. They’re all clean and tall and beautiful. It’s very disconcerting. You’d think for a race what spread so much fire and bloodshed they’d have a more visionary outlook on proper tomb building. There weren’t a bat or so much as a spider in the whole place!
Next this Sidious bloke stops at the Taj Mahal. Now I maybe a demon and all, but I know something what should be appreciated no matter what side of the good versus evil fence you fall on. That Shah Jahan who had this here edifice built had some inspiration I’ll tell you. I’m not much into beautiful myself. I like dark and dreary, ugly and freaky, terrible and horrific, but this here Taj Mahal took me breath away.
I almost lost Sidious because I was so taken. I was so busy gawking over this amazing bit of architecture that I didn’t see him saunter out the main gate. Fortunately me searchers pointed me in the right direction and I was back on his tail.
After the Taj he stopped at a place called the Red Fort. This place was a bit more to my liking as there were Indian soldiers with machine guns at the doors and a general aura of war around the place… it being a fort and all.
They had a lovely museum dedicated to the history of India. I didn’t realize the British had been so busy in these parts. It sounds like they had a lovely time subjugating the little brown monkey boys. It seems like they had some good times oppressing the masses for near on two hundred years. I got’s to hand it to them Brits. They always was best at subjugatin’.
At this point Sidious locked himself up in a hotel for a couple of days in a place called Jaipur. I just meandered around the back ways a bit and bided my time until he was on the move again.
I’m a bit bushed from all this traveling so I’ll post the rest of me journal tomorrow. I’ve gots to call Old Mal too.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
I let them go just this morning and it looks like that Sidious chap has left Bangalore. The searchers are all headed north so I guess I’ve got’s to too. That means I need to ditch this here laptop with someone I can trust for a couple of weeks.
I ran into a real mangy black hearted mongrel named Spit. Me and old Spit got on real good and he brought me to his master. Turns out that little brown fella was just as vile his pooch and was right friendly to the idea of helping me out.
Of course I thought he might have ideas about selling me stuff so I convinced him with a little gold and a little demon magic that might not be such a good idea.
Anyway I probably won’t be updating this here blog for a couple of weeks. I know old Mal will be disappointed, because we was talking over the phone the other day and he said he was enjoying me exploits. HI MAL!!!
Monday, March 10, 2008
I did manage to track down Sidious's little messenger boy. He screamed a right long time, but never gave up any information. I found it difficult to believe that he could be afraid of someone more than me. I even changed into me full blooded demon suit. Of course that there was a strategic mistake, because it so vexed the little fellah he expired with a busted heart. Pah!!!
The thing that keeps coming back to me head was something Michael said. It was something about an Animostiroth. Who the bloody hell is Animostiroth? Is he from one of the rings out past the third ring of hell? I never did go out much that way. I heard the rats own the seventh ring and I hate rats. Is this bloke a new player?
If he’s got the connections and/or power to send agents into the real worlds then he’s definitely a force to be reckoned with. Me dilemma is do I report all this back to Tres. He’s the bloody fool that sent me out here in the first place and I’m not sure if he set me up.
I could report right back to Lucky, but old Luke don’t like it much when you break the chain of command. I’ve never made that one angry and I never plan to. He’s got a right sharp temper he does.
I guess I’ll keep looking for Sidious. Maybe I’ll whip me up some searchers. I’ll use that little messenger’s blood as tracking material. That’s it! Now I got me a plan!
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Michael snapped his fingers and me darkness spell was wiped out as the torches sprang to life. Not one of these blokes had a weapon drawn, but I’d have bet me foul mother’s soul they was packin’ some serious energy spells. Sidious’s room weren’t very big and didn’t have no furnishings except for the throne opposite the door. They knew real quick the room was empty.
Michael said to his mates, “That’s odd. I know I felt a presence at the top of the stairs and it felt like a detention dweller to me.”
A big blonde, blue eyed, Captain American type Guardian Angel grunted, “I felt it to. Maybe it teleported out.”
Michael held up his perfect white hand and a four foot round magical screen of translucent blue energy formed a yard in front of him, “Let’s see what shows up on the screen.”
When he moved his hand the screen moved with it. A red glow with some ancient demonic floating white script centered in it hovered around the throne.
“See that?” That’s an apparition spell… no teleportation spell though,” Michael observed.
The blonde bugger says, “Well where is it? If you’re going to have an apparition spell shouldn’t there be an apparition?”
The bureaucratic type spoke up, “You’re assuming it was meant for us.”
Old blonde hair says, “Well if it wasn’t meant for us Simon who was it meant for.”
I swear to an angel they all turned around and looked up in my direction. Maybe it was because it was the only spot in the room they hadn’t looked at or maybe I let me aura drag. All I know is I was feeling real out numbered by this lot. I dropped to the ground and smiled like that old chesire cat.
Simon the bureaucrat pointed at me, “Him.”
“Cheers mates. Nice night for a stroll.”
Not a single one smiled and the Special Forces type fanned out to me sides. At least I had the door to my back.
Michael smiled and said, “My, my, aren’t you out of your element.”
“I got a pass mate. Special dispensation for good behavior,” I lied.
That whole gaggle laughed at that and then Michael says, “So who was your contact?”
Now since that monkey boy Sidious obviously intended me no good I had no problem giving him up, “His name was Sidious. I was sent here to meet him to discuss the possibility of there being second ringers about, but me thinks it was a setup with you blokes being the set and the up.”
Michael stared at me all intense like working something out in that perfect angelic head of his. I suppose the monkey boys and girls would find him mind numbingly handsome with his coal black shoulder length hair, chiseled features and expressive dark eyes. Personally I can’t get on about anyone that doesn’t have no scales at all.
“Gentlemen I do believe he’s telling the truth.”
The blonde bugger asks, “A demon telling the truth? Why?”
“Because he was obviously set up… think about it. We got that tip about Animonstiroth out of the blue by one of Sidious’s own people. They obviously wanted Aimless here to run into us.”
Now that set me hackles to dancing again because I never told Mr. Lovely my name.
Old blonde and blue eyed asks, “How do you know he isn’t working with Sidious?”
Michael just smiled and said, “Time and again our intelligence has revealed that Animonstiroth only works with free agents. I happen to know that Aimless here works for Lucifer.”
It made me bloody nervous that old demon slayer knew so much about the inner workings of detention. I sure would have liked to know how he knew so much about me!
Then he says like it’s the time of day, “You may go Aimless.”
Just like that he says it! I almost fell over. Here I was expecting to be carved up like a turkey on holiday and just like that Michael gives me leave!
“You wouldn’t stab a demon in the back would you mate?”
Michael replied, “Not my style.”
“Well then I’ll just be moseying along. You gents have a good night then.”
I turned and walked out of the mountain like it was the local pub and left the Admin types to their schemes. Bloody strange night it was. Bloody strange goings on… I got some thinking to do. There’s treachery, conspiracy and diabolical plans within plans swirling about this here blue ball… it kind of feels like home.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
I went to the Sidious Mountain last night. Me instincts are pretty damn good and I smelled a trap all the way up those rocky steps. I was wishing I had more than me trusty razor with me... maybe a sword of damnation, or an ax o' blaze, or a bow what fired imps, or an Uzi... bloody hell more than me little nasty bit of a razor.
I crept up them stairs using me best creeping skills. There was only a single path carved into the mountain so it's not like I could sneak in the back door. At the top of the stairs was a doorway carved into the living rock. It was decorated with fearsome figures of demonic gods and nameless horrors feasting on human flesh... it was actually quite lovely.
As I descended into the bowels of the mountain the air became rank with the perfume of death. It was a welcome relief from all that monkey boy smell. It was also quiet... too quiet. I expected to hear screams of torture or the scuttle of little claws on stone but there was nothing. Torches were placed in sconces what lined the wall which gave the place an eerie light that reminded me of home.
Down I went into the depths of this rocky abode and all the while me hackles is standing up and doing a tango along me spine. I couldn’t take it any more and I morphed out of me monkey boy outfit into me full demon corpus. It felt good to be in me own skin. I goes from about five foot six inches to over seven feet tall when I’m in me own body which is the way I likes it.
I loped into what was obviously the main chamber of Sidious’s little hell house. I found him sitting on a rocky throne in the back of the room which was devoid of furnishings. The torches that lined the walls cast a wonderful evil light to this impressive looking monkey boy. He appeared to be one of them dark skinned Indian types of humans, but was much larger than most. His eyes were deep set and soulless, his large head was shaved bare and his massive, muscular upper frame was coated in oil. A longish broad nose centered a face which was a bare extension of his skull. He was a rather good looking fella I thought.
Thin lips cracked what might have been a smile or a sneer, I’m not sure which, and he says to me, “So Aimless Bottlebottom finally we meet.”
“Nice place you got here Sidious. It’s a bit bare of furnishings, but I’m partial to rock me-self,” I says to him.
“I didn’t summon you here to discuss interior decorating. There are schemes in motion, plans of dire consequence.”
“And that would be why I can’t find no second ringers and only Administration types?”
That smile got nasty and he responded with just one word, “Precisely,” and then he winked out. He winked out!
“Bloody hell!!!!” I says to me-self. It was only a bloody apparition and here I was at a cul-de-sac with only one way out and what do I hear coming down that exit? Administration!
I could feel their bloody auras like a punch to the gut. It felt like there had to be half a dozen of ‘em and they was strong. I was guessing Michael was with them and that was one Archangel I didn’t want to dance with.
I looked all around, but there was no other exit, secret or otherwise and no place to hide. I sucked up me Aura real tight and executed me darkness spell. Then I launched me-self to the ceiling and scrunched real tight up into a corner near the door.
Then they came in…
Oooops! Gotta go! I’ll tell the rest of me adventure tomorrow.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Now this here Sidious chap he’s a clever bloke. He’s got himself all squirreled away in one of these here mountains what just pops up out of the landscape. Got a right cozy little burrow he does drilled right down into this rocky bit. I don’t much like the thought of going in there, there being only one exit and all, but a demon’s got to do what a demon’s got to do.
I’m supposed to meet him tonight to have what he calls a “strategic planning” session. I’ve started building up a couple of my best combat spells up just in case this chap’s planning session is a ruse for something a bit more violent. I think a dozen or so should cover me arse in case something foul is a foot.
I’m leaving early today so I can do a little reconnoitering… not that I don’t trust a chap named Sidious…
Sunday, March 2, 2008
I got a pretty good handle on me way around this here warren of a city. I've got some right pretty dark spots to retreat to, but they're hard to come by. There's not an inch of this city that doesn't have someone living in it. Fortunately there's a couple of underground spaces no one's discovered yet.
I think I'm about ready to meet this Sidious chap. I'll be bringing me beloved razor along with me. Like I said before, I dont' have a trusting nature.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
For obvious reasons I’m not much for strolling in the daylight. The bloody sun turns me skin a nasty, burning, itchy red color. Of course that’s what color it is when I’m in my own soma, but while I’m wearing this here monkey boy outfit I have a beautiful pasty white complexion.
Anyway I figures the Administration will be looking for me at night since they know that’s when my kind like to roam. I’m playing it real cagey like and sticking to the sunny bits until things cool down. That being the case I’m glad old Mal gave me one of these here digital cameras. He said it would help with me spying and I’d look more like a tourist. Being undercover and all I thought I’d give it a go so I figured the bloody thing out and how to get me snaps uploaded to this here blog.
This hear Sidious chap is getting on me nerves. He’s looking for a report something desperate and he’s sent so many messenger flies its beginning to look like a dog did his business in the middle of me rented room! Finally I sent him back a horsefly with two words attached to its legs…
He ain’t bothered me since. If I know his sort he’s gone to ground and good thing too.
I’ve been walking around this here city of Bangalore and I still can’t get over how many humans infest the place. It’s like a bee hive with them swarming all about on their mopeds, motorbikes, auto rickshaws (or Tak-Tak’s as I heard one chap call ‘em), cars, trucks, tractors and the bloody cows… and everyone’s moving at the same speed including the bovines.
Back in the old days it was quite common to keep your livestock with you, but I kind of got out of the habit about a hundred and fifty years ago. Around these parts that hasn’t changed much so the animal kingdom is part and parcel of all the hubbub. I even saw a monkey (the simian variety not human kind) sitting on a wall this morning watching the ladies go buy.
I walked quite a bit today trying to sort out in me head what’s going on and what to do. I still ain’t seen any second ringers and I don’t trust this Sidious chap. Of course I don’t trust anyone since that’s in me nature… well I trust Bucky… I miss me little mate.
Monday, February 25, 2008
I sets out four nights ago to do my reconnoitering and me whole mission goes topsy-turvy! I was slinking about a side street keeping to the shadows. I’m very good at slinking. In fact me slinking skills is right on par with my sneaking skills and it’s a good thing. I slinked around the corner of low cinder block building and almost stumbled right into a meeting of sorts.
Now us C.O.P.’s (that would be creatures of powers to the uninitiated) can feel each others presence. It’s like radar although I’m told I give me counterparts in the administration a feeling the humans call “the willies”. If you is on your guard you can keep your aura down and they would never know you was there. Since I was in slinking mode I had me aura tucked up way under me underpants and good thing.
That Administration stink hit my like a sandpaper blackjack on an open wound. It was rather frightful and almost caused me to spit up which is a very undemonic like thing to do. Like I’ve said many times before I’ve been in this monkey boy soma way too long...
There was three of ‘em conversing in the center of a small square surrounded by goats. I don’t know what was up with the bloody goats, but these here Indian variety of monkey boys got barnyard animals all over the place.
They was talking real low and was obviously deep into their discussion because they never saw me. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw who the leader of this motley crew was… the archangel Michael himself! By the dark lord’s beard I’d know that face and aura a thousand miles away and here he was on this old blue ball. The demon slayer himself was in the real worlds and that was bad news for the likes of me.
I was beside myself. What to do? I had to get this information back to old Tres. This would definitely put me in good with that bloody monkey boy and might even get me a promotion. Then I got to thinking was this lot here because of the second ringers? It was all getting very confusing and starting to hurt me head when I was given up by a bloody cat!
This one weren’t no ordinary cat. It was obviously a sentry for this gaggle of Admin types. It let out a cry that curled me fur and then it hissed like a bloody cobra. That group of holier than thou spun on me and blood was in their eyes. I gave that little tattle tale a boot into the wall before I scampered down the alley. It made a delightful scream as I high tailed it down the dark ways.
It took me three days to shake those lads! Three days. If I sucked in my aura anymore it would have turned into a rabbit turd! I figured that’s what they was scanning on and I think they had more than one bloody cat helping them. I didn’t trust the damn goats either or the cows for that matter… bloody animal kingdom.
Anyway I got back to my seedy hovel this morning and I think I’m going to take some down time before I file my report with Tres. Me nerves are shattered!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
The stupid human that sent me the meeting date and time should have put that in the note strapped to the little bugger’s back. Being a stupid human he don’t know much about the native intelligence of our multi-legged friends… being a stupid human he don’t know much about the universe in general.
So I went back to that lovely place with the lovely aroma what reminds me of home and waited for monkey boy. He was a trip this one. He was a little brown fellah with thick black hair and dark eyes and a knife about as long as his forearm.
At first I thought he was a common thug looking for a bit of cash, but then he says to me, “I’m the messenger of Lord Sidious and if you are not the one who is tasked with hearing his words then tonight is your last night on earth.”
“That was pretty long winded mate,” I says just before I knocked the knife out of his hand and hoisted up in the air by the throat. I made me eyes glow red all evil like and showed him my fangs. I almost transformed back to me true self instead of this bloody monkey boy soma, but that takes too much energy and it was close to dawn.
“Now why don’t you deliver this here message before I lose me temper… you would like me when I’m angry… actually you wouldn’t like me period.”
After his teeth stopped chattering he said, “Lord Sidious says to tell you he believes he’s found agents from the second ring in Bangalore… many agents! He’s afraid they will bring the wrath of the Administration down on him and he requests your aid in discovering why they’re here!”
I dropped the little fellah into the muck and scratched me chin. I never met this here Lord Sidious, but I heard old Tres mention him a few times. If he was right about second ringers being here in the real worlds that would be big trouble. Us first ringers aren’t allowed out never mind them second ringers.
“You tell this bloke Sidious I’ll meet him soon. I’m going to do a little reconnoitering around this here lovely city. I’ll send the fly when I’m ready… and I’ll PUT THE DATE AND TIME IN THE NOTE!”
I loved the way that little feller cringed.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
I waited for several hours until dawn threatened to give me away. Me contact never showed... I got a horsefly to squish!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Now I'm on the ground walking around like a bloody zombie. I've know a few in my day and their not much fun to be around, moaning all the time, bumping into the furniture, trying to eat your various limbs and what not.
Fortunately I'm not supposed to meet my contact for another couple of days. Until then I'm going to lie low and enjoy the spicy food. They was going to put me up in some fancy hotel, but I was having none of that. I'd stick out like a sore thumb and you never know when those administration types are about.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
I used to have a whole village of monkey boys and girls who worshipped me and I mean that literally. I convinced 'em I was god. I used to have wild orgies and human sacrifice almost daily. It was one of the high points of my career on this here blue ball.
Of course old Tres has got me booked on a plane for tomorrow so now I need to do a bunch of running around to get ready. I don't know why I need to take a bloody plane anyway. It's quicker to use the underways, but I think Tres is afraid that bit of magic might show up on the Administration radar.
I gave Bucky the news and he was happy and all, but I could tell he was little sad too. I know he's going to miss and I hate to say it, but I'm going to miss him too.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
One day that monkey boy is going to turn his back on me and old Aimless is going to have a bit of fun on his spine. I don’t suffer these insults, slight or otherwise, kindly. I got me pride and it can be a terrible thing.
For now old Aimless is just sitting around twiddling his thumbs and looking after Bucky. Old Mal says I should get me an Xbox to while away the time. Not sure what he meant by that. Personally I don’t find a box shaped like an X all that intriguing.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
I thought I'd do me a little reconnoitering seeing as Bucky was still recuperating from his round about experience with the dryer the other day. He ain’t quite been the same… seems a little bit unsteady on his feet to me.
Anyway I put on me best sneaking outfit which is all black. I even got me some black sneakers. I love sneakers. I love anything what’s got sneak in the name. So I come at the Wassermans from the back of the house through the small woods all crafty like.
I stepped right over Tank who was snoozing right on his ball. I edged around the corner of their garage and scoped out the front yard like one of them ninja blokes. I crouched down in the bushes waiting to see who might come and go from this here suburban abode of light and goodness… yuk!
“AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” I screams just like a little girl and falls out of the bushes like a rank amateur.
Sara the little blonde girl was standing behind me looking all sweet and cute as a button and I was caught flat footed all sprawled out on the ground.
“I was looking for Bucky. I ain’t seen him in a bit.”
“The last I saw him he was headed to your house Aimless.”
“Oh… Right… well then.”
“Ball! Ball! I got a ball! Wanna play ball!? I love the ball! Do you want to play ball,” Tank said with his tail wagging like the prop on an airplane.
“Tank wants to play ball Aimless. Lets play some ball,” Sara says.
Me sneakin’ skills are going to hell. I’m going to hell. They’re going to find out about this and send me straight back to detention. Pah!
... we did have a good game of catch though.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Bloody hell this is why we detention types ain't supposed to get emotional entanglements and now I'm all entagled up with a cat! Pah!
Now I feel terrible 'cause I was the one what closed the door and pushed the button. I made Bucky swear to me that he'd never take a nap in the dryer again. Me poor mental constitution can't take it!
Saturday, February 9, 2008
"We's just playin' a bit o' catch, Bucky, is all..."
"Catch! What the hell kind of stupid game is catch! With a ball no less! If you play catch you should catch a mouse and rip its guts out. That's catch!"
"All we had was a ball at that the time Bucky. Weren't no mice presenting themselves."
"Hmmmpppppfffff!!!" He replied and looked away in total disdain.
I likes Bucky real well so I says to him, "I was only thinking of you, Bucky."
"Well you're supposed to be reporting on this lot of humans and I figured I'd ingratiate myself to the dog, him being so stupid and all, so as to get more information. I mean there was no way you was going to interrogate the dog right?"
Bucky narrowed his eyes, looked me over and rolled this around in his conniving little feline head.
"I thought spying on the Wassermans was subterfuge to get me in good with detention?"
"What's a Wasserman?"
"That the name of the little blonde girl's family," he says.
"Well you see old Bucky, that's what I thought when we started this whole enterprise, but I've been looking over your shoulder and now I think these here Wasserman's may be REAL Administration spies!"
"NO!!!!!" Bucky replies all serious like.
"It's true mate. There's something not right about this lot. We've got to be real careful."
Bucky's mood turned all the way around and he jumped up in my lap and started purring like a race car with a bad cylinder.
"This is so cool! A real mission! We might even get to take them down!"
"Way down mate."
"But not the little blond girl. She's mine," Bucky said as he curled up in my lap.
"Whatever you say mate. We can make her your own personal masseuse."
The two of us sat there in front of the fireplace in my little house, watching the flames and once again bonded in our friendship. I mulled over the lie I had just told Bucky because there was a piece of it that wasn't entirely sure it was a lie. There wasn't something entirely right with those Wassermans.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Of course every chance they get those Administration pukes are pulling off miracles left and right! I read a story this morning about a baby thrown 300 feet by a tornado with naught but scratches. Now you tell me a Guardian Angel didn’t catch that tyke and set him down all real gentle like!
Good enough for the goose ain't good enough for the gander around these here parts I say! I’ve got a right mind to go out and make a miracle of my own. Maybe I’ll go out and turn a few politicians into vampires and stir it up a little… of course then again no one would notice that… Pah!
Thursday, February 7, 2008
I did me business and cut through a few back alleys to get to the T and back out to me home when I chanced upon a carload of agitated monkey boys. They weren’t from around these parts. They was Arabs of some sort. I know because I speak the language… actually I speak every language.
So they was going on about killing this and killing that and blowing up this and blowing up that and I’m thinking, “Now these are my kinds of lad! A little mayhem in the old town tonight!”
So I saunters over to the lot and says in their own language all friendly like, “Hi Boys! Out for some fun tonight?”
What do I get for my agreeable nature? The closest lad screams, “Infidel Spy!”, pulls out a hand cannon and shoots me in the chest!
Shooting me in the chest makes me real angry. It’s right there at the top of the list with stabbing me in the stomach and throwing acid in me face.
What monkey boy didn’t realize was with what me being a demon of hell and all sticking bits of lead in my body would have no more effect than trying to suck spaghetti with a straw.
I guess I had a look of shock on my face because the shooter smiled all evil like. I guess he expected me to keel over dead. Imagine his surprise when I snatched away his gun and caved his skull in… and I do mean caved in his skull.
The other three monkey boys were a little slow and I was already on them with me beloved straight razor before they could scream. I went to go throw all the bits in the trunk, but it was full of some kind of clay hooked together by wires and batteries and flashing red bitty lights… very strange it was.
I ended up just throwing them all in the back seat. I drove out to the coast and used a wee bit of magic (not enough to show up on the Administration radar) to drive that car far out into the surf. Those monkey boys would never be seen again.
Like my old friend Mack the Hack used to say, “If you’re going to shoot me in the chest you better beeeeeeeeee somebody.”
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Anyway I see this Lass Hillary and some bloke named Obama is part of the action. Naturally I figured Obama would run circles around the wench since he's long and lean and a strider if ever I saw one. Seemed like easy money to me so I gave me friend JoJo a call who's a bookie down in Vegas and put a few quid down on old Obama.
I flips on the TV and finds out it's all about voting! Voting! No running at all. What is wrong with this country? Why can't things be called what they are? Things was named long ago in the beginning times and these here monkey boys and girls are always changing it around! The one god didn't need to strike down the tower of Babel ad mix up the tongues this lot would have done it on their own!
I heard this other bloke McCain who runs (Pah!) for the other side cemented his lead. I’ll bet not a single person was locked up in a rock casket. Stupid monkey boys…
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
The superbowl's been going on for almost 50 years and I always wondered how big this piece of pottery was and what it had to do with this game. Of course there ain't no real bowl in the game, but a pointy egg made out of pigskin. They runs it back and forth down a field and crush the bejesus out of each other. I kind of liked that. Sometimes they kick it for no apparent reason.
Some of the terminology I found a might confusing though. Back in detention when we sack someone we throw them in a sack and beat them with blunt instruments. A punt is a boat. A tightend is something to revere. Out of bounds would be anywhere other than detention (at least according to those Administration pukes), and a safety is something that don't exist in hell.
Anyway you peform this here rite with copious amounts of chips, dip, wings, sandwiches, pasta salad, and most of all... BEER! Lots and lots of beer. I really liked that part... which is why I ain't posted to this blog for a couple of days. Even demons get hungover.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
There I've gone and said it! Causes me fits it does! I'm a demon from the first ring of hell!
But the puppy was a friendly bugger...
And he didn't run away from me the other night...
And he had a ball...
Yes... I went back and played ball again with Tank. That's me new friends name. At least he's a Rottweiler. In that movie "Damien" they made about the AC the hellhounds were all Rottweilers. That makes me feel a little bit better, it does.
So we played ball for about a half hour or so and guess who walks out the back porch into the back yard? Bucky's little blond girl! Bucky didn't tell me she had no puppy dog. Once again I was caught flat footed and speechless. I swear they're going to kick me out of the hellfire club if they find any of this out.
"Hello," she says pretty as pink with her button nose, perfect little girl smile and bright blue eyes. I had to do everything I could to keep from retching.
"Good evening miss. I hope you don't mind me tossing the ball to yer mate."
"That's OK. He likes to play all the time."
"I did notice that. He's one right friendly little chap."
"My name's Sara. What's yours?"
"They call me Aimless."
"Hi Aimless. Let's play monkey in the middle and Tank can be the monkey."
So there I was last night tossing the ball back and forth with the little blond girl and a puppy dog. Looked like a snapshot Norman Rockwell would have taken. I can't say I'm proud about it. I can't say I won't do it again, but at least I've gone and got it off me chest.
Bucky's not talking to me anymore... he found out about the puppy.
Friday, February 1, 2008
“Bloody hell!” I screams to the universe. “Bloody, bloody hell!”
Any other day there’d be a dozen smart looking monkey boys and girls out saying, “How are you? Lovely day. You’re looking well. Good evening. Arrrrrggggg!” They’re all so bloody nice around here it’s killing me.
Finally after three hours of lurking around in the dark (I’m a pretty good lurker, ranked highest in me class in lurkin’ as a lad) I spied a victim. Oh he was a cutie he was. A little puppy dog let out to do his nightly business. All alone and playing by himself. This one I was going to skin and make me some mittens out of his hide. I love puppy dog mittens.
So I sneaks up real quiet like (I’m real good at sneakin’ too) and I pulls out me beloved straight razor. The sound of steel slipping out of leather was like music to me ears. My breath quickened. My heart went a flutter. I got half across that backyard… and stepped on a twig. CRACK!!!! Me sneakin’ skills are going to hell.
The puppy dog hears that twig snap and comes running over yapping like a whole kennel of hellhounds. By the dark lord’s beard I couldn’t make up me mind to slash and flee or just slash so instead I just stands there like a rank amateur.
The puppy pulls right up to my feet and says, “Hi! Hi! Hi! Wanna play!? Do you huh? I got a ball! Wanna play with the ball!? I love the ball! Ball! Ball! Ball!”
“Uh…” I says a little taken off guard. I slips me razor back in its sheath behind me back so he doesn’t see it.
“Are you new around here? I’ve never seen you before? Do you want to play? I have a Ball! I love the Ball! Ball! Ball! Ball!”
It was turning out to be one depressing night. I couldn’t kill the little bugger with him having made all that noise so I figured at least I could scare the little tyke something fierce.
“Maybe you don’t want to play with me for you see I’m a demon from helllllllll,” and with that said I made me eyes glow fire red and all hellish like.
“Cool! That is sooooo cool! How did you do that! The humans say my eyes glow like that way when they take a picture! What’s a picture? What’s a demon? Do you want to play? I have a Ball! I love the Ball! Ball! Ball! Ball!”
Sigh… What could I do? I had no other options. My night was ruined, my souls gone corrupt and… he had a ball…
Thursday, January 31, 2008
He smiled at me and I smiled back! By the dark lord’s beard my brain is becoming corrupted! I didn’t scowl! I didn’t swear! I didn’t call him a suburban, trash bearing, monkey boy! I told him it was a beautiful morning! I hate beautiful mornings.
I’m a creature of detention! Sulfur and brimstone, fire and ice (well there’s plenty of ice around here right now, but not the kind that causes you to lose limbs); death and destruction are my loves, NOT beautiful mornings.
I’m afraid it’s this damn soma transform. I’ve been wearing the body of a monkey boy for so long I’m starting to become like one. Of course there’s plenty of evil monkey boys and girls, but not in this here neighborhood. My outer shell shouldn’t betray me inner black heart either, but I’ve heard stories were some kind of goodness poison gets in your soul and the next thing you know you’re sending valentines to your sweetheart and taking her to Barry Manilow concerts.
Maybe I’ll go out and kill something tonight…
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sometimes an apology was offered up, but even though these here Christians talk a lot about forgiveness in their hearts they really want revenge.
Now a days though the rich and famous find themselves a sanctuary they can run to and all will be forgiven. They call it rehab. They even got a song about it on the radio, "Papa said go to rehab and I said, no, no, no!"
Right. They run off to rehab and then the masses shakes their head in pity, "Oh poor so and so got's the addiction something fierce. I think its moved from the arms into their head now. Wrecking their lives it is, what a shame. I loved 'em in that movie with the dog."
It's like a new sanctuary! They go in there and no one can touch 'em. Much like I can't go into a church or a temple. Did it once by accident. Damn church had all these statues of saints be killed and tortured on the outside so I figured it was a church of the devil. I stepped inside, sniffed a bit and I'm thinking, "What's that burning smell?" It weren't the candles it was me!!! They heard me screaming ten miles away. I'll never do that again.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I don't understand why the one god did it.
"This shall be a universe of science and technology, let no creature of power subvert my law," he said.
Why? Science and technology is soooooo bloody boring. Now magic always has that element of surprise. You're never really sure if it's going to work right and if you're not on the top of your game it will probably backfire on you. I've seen many a mate blow 'em self up. Now that's some funny stuff.
I remember back before the great purge when this here big blue marble was a regular balls to the wall magical battleground. Oh the fireworks were something to behold. Entire civilizations warred with fearsome arcane energies. Great wizards, huge monsters, awesome mythical creatures all roamed the land stomping on the old monkey boys and girls just for fun. That was the good old days!
Then came the great purge and now we got microwave popcorn and Ipods. It's a enough to make a demon go back to hell.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Of course the lead characters were portrayed a little gratuitously. Many of me mates are quite strong and fierce, but not ambulatory razor factories like this here family. At any rate it was good for me soul to catch a bit of home on a sunny day... sigh...
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Old Mal didn't tell me the PR website would put a link to this here blog in me bit of fun I sent out yesterday. Now everyone in the bloody world is going to come to this blog to see who sent out that PR. Tres isn't going to like that. He's always going on about watchers laying low.
Of course he does have a a point since if the Administration found me they'd ace my arse and give me a one way ticket back to detention. That would be bloody embarassing. Of course my guess is is that the humans will all come here, read my blog and write it off to fiction.
To quote the most over used word of doomed destiny in this here country... "Whatever!"
Saturday, January 26, 2008
The humans have been going on every day about global warming and how terrible it is. The bloody planet’s too bloody cold if you ask me. It could use some warming up! Anyway old Mal showed me a way to propagate “news” around this here internet. So I sent a press release out saying humans could eliminate global warming by holding their breath! Woo HA HA HA HA HA HA! By the dark lord’s beard I kill myself.
I already read about a massive pileup what occurred outside London because some manky git held his breath while he was driving and then passed out! There was also some twit in New York who held her breath until she passed out at the gas pump! She blew up an entire neighborhood!
It’s moments like these that make life worth living in these here real worlds.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Now being a denizen of detention and of an age well over a million years old I've got a fairly good handle on how the universe works. What the monkey boys and girls haven't figured out yet is there ain't no such thing as traveling between the stars in the real worlds. The speed o' light is just too bloody slow. I suppose someone like me being immortal and all could do it, but it's much quicker to travel between the spheres by sneaking into the Administration and using their hallways.
So this is all very strange to me since it's pretty obvious that the government is trying to cover this UFO incident up. I know a cover up when I smell one. Done quite a few myself... AND if they’re trying to cover it up then something must have happened… but what?
I hear the Administration’s Special Forces unit has a vessel of that description, but it’s a troop transport meant to ferry in Archangels and Administration forces to clean out demon infestation (not that I like that term much). As far as I know there ain’t no in your face wars going on between heaven and hell on this here earth.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
The money boys come up with this new scheme to make the humans think they was richer than the really was. Makes 'em go crazy that does and they goes out and spend, spend, spend. Here in America it's the new religion. They's raised from birth to by more, better, big, bigger, biggest! Why they got pickup trucks now that'll house your family! Old Mal tells me they also got the simian mates hooked on some kind of technical addiction where they must upgrade what they have every year or get the shakes or something.
Now the finance boys ripped the rug right out from under all these humans. Markets are crashing across the globe and you can just hear all the little, over extended boys and girls saying, “Oh I’d sell my soul just to pay my mortgage! Please God help me with my payments!” Of course what they don't know is it ain't the one God who's listening. We got our boys out with our ears to the ground day in and day out. Heh, heh, heh…
It's amazing how easy it is now. Back in the day when I was doing soul recruiting we had to use guile and trickery. The monkey mates were much more religious back then. It was always, "May the lord preserve me!" this and "My God in Heaven" that and "Saints be praised." It was enough to drive a demon straight back to hell!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Bloody cold it is in this here part of the world. I don't know how these monkey boys and girls do it. Of course we got some right frigid locations in detention too. These humans think it's all a stinking lava hole, but when you need to have tortures for every sort of human you need to have all sorts of weather. I hear the worst soul sucking, brain draining, hope destroying environment the boys in engineering set up exactly mimics the weather of London. Just the thought gives me the willies.
So when I get down to the end of the street I slides into the woods and works my way around the back of the house. I climbed up a tree and found a nice little cozy spot to watch these here Kellermans. This was Bucky's first big revelation... their names.
This thing is something's not quite right. I can't put me finger on it, but this family is just too perfect to be true. Something's turning around in me gut and got me intuition all up in a tizy. Me and Bucky was trying to pull the wool over old Tres's blood shot eyes, but now I'm beginning to wonder if there isn't some kind of connection between this family and the Administration.
I'm going to be given old Bucky a hand with this lot.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Mal showed me this new "Viral Marketing" the humans are all getting on about. I looks at old Mal and says we've been doing this for decades. He just shrugged his shoulders and said, "The humans think they've invented everything."
Detention's viral marketing campaign has been hitting the American language lately. The one I love the most is the phrase they introduced a few years back. Last night I heard a couple of simian chaps use it.
Monkey boy one says, "So Larry got caught cheating on his old lady last night... caught him right in the act."
Monkey boy two says, "No way! I thought they were going to get married!?"
Monkey boy one says, "Damn straight, but he wanted one more fling before he settled down so he hooked up with Maria for the night."
Monkey boy two says, "Dude! No way! Are they split now?"
Monkey boy one says, "Yah... but Larry's hooked up with Maria. It's all good..."
I love that! It's all good! It's all good!
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Now we got the monkey boys and girls believing no matter what they do it's all good. I never met a more gullible bunch of dim wits in me life... I guess that's why I loves 'em so.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Then he did something he never did before. He jumps up into me lap, rolls on his back, gets to purring like a V8, and offers up his belly.
"Give it a rub Aimless. It's warm and soft. The humans love it, but I don't share it with just anyone."
Got that straight. I seen a passerby catch him unawares in the sun one day. That monkey boy reached down to rub Bucky's belly in an uninvited fashion, and came away with several mangled digits.
We's sittin' in front of the fire and I stroked his belly real careful. He purred along and I'm thinking to meself, "Is demons supposed to like stroking a soft, warm, furry, kitty belly." I mean I found it quite satisfying on a spiritual level.
Is there anything wrong with that?
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Of course Tres wanted to know what was so special about this little girl. I saw that one coming and told him I had my suspicions someone in the family was working for the Administration. Bucky himself had seen this little tyke drive off a hound of hell with a twig. That one actually raised an eyebrow on old Tres's head and got Bucky authorized all formal like.
Then Tres says to me, "We need to talk to you about your accent."
"Accent?" I says. "What Accent?"
"Your Amero-Cockney-Judea-Slavic accent or as I like to say Lessor Demon."
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr... I don't like being call no Lessor demon. Just because I ain't been promoted in a few thousand years don't make me no lessor demon. They don't send lessor demons to the real worlds. I was a full fledged, blood and guts, slaughter slinging, power crazy demon of detention I was. The lessor demons bowed down before me when I walked into a room!
Then I got this here "promotion" to "Field worker Forward Observation - Recon Third Class". Had I known I'd be working for a third rate monkey boy that'd only seen the gates 'o hell once in his existence (bloody beautiful they are, first time I saw them I cried like a baby, they's in the Hellspawn's Inifinite Registry of Historical sites to see before you die again), I never would have taken the job.
"See exciting places! Exotic lands! Strange cultural habits like cooked food and septic systems!" That's what me old boss said. Pah!!!! What a crock!
Anyway Tres says to me, "I'm afraid you're going to give yourself away and I'm afraid your accent is keeping you from fitting in and getting me the kind of Intel I need. You need to talk more like a modern American."
"Like this then... Hey Tres you MoFo Som a bitch? Wazzzz happen' with your cranky ass?"
Tres smiled like a snake he did. He knows I wasn't just haven't a bit of fun, but he's cool that one. He just says, "They don't use the word cranky much over here. Keep working on it. Dismissed."
Grrrrrrrrrr.... Dismissed. Just like that. Oh, he knows how to get under my skin like a pack of soul ticks he does. Dismissed... one day I'm going to dismiss his cranky ass with the edge of my dullest blade...
Saturday, January 19, 2008
"What's the matter Bucky? You lost a near and dear?"
Had to scrunch up me ears right tight because he got to caterwauling like only a feline can do. It's like fingernails on the blackboard of your soul.
"I'm a failure," he says to me, "An abject flacid, flaky, feline failure... sniff."
"Bucky me boy!? What are you going on about?"
"They'll never let me in the club now. When word gets I'll be barred for the rest of my nine lives."
"Bucky I'm working at a distinct disadvantage here. A lack of information is what it is."
"Well... last night was the night."
"It weren't like any other night?"
"Nope no morning star... no moon... perfect for my mission."
"I did my recon first. Checked the entire area for 100 meters. I set up my scouting post at the edge of the woods and the target showed up a o' 700 hundred hours. I then commenced operation "Fancy Feast"... or was it "Meow Mix-it-up"? I forget. Anway I started meowing like the most pathetic kitten on face of the earth. I dredged up all those long ago emotions when I was taken from my mother and thrown in the wild in order to give a sincere and convincing performance."
"Ah so your a method actor then. Are you more in line with Stanislavski or Strasberg."
"Strasberg although you can't deny the influence of the former."
"Oh! Of course not. So go on then."
"I nabbed her hook line and sinker. She came over crying, "Poor little kitty what's wrong? Do you need a huggy? Some lovey dovey."
"Now you're going to make me wretch, Bucky."
"Sorry. It was disgusting. Anyway I waited till she got just in reach and then boom(!) i'm down the path like a cheetah on a gazelle... except she's chasing me. Anyway I keep her hooked. I'm always just out of reach to keep her interested, but to keep her running. I round the curve, I've got her stumbling foreward, I'm almost to the big old root in the path and I freeze!"
"You freeze!? That's not like you Bucky."
"There was a pitbull standing in the middle of the path! A pitbull! What are the odds? I've been down that path a thousand times and never smelled dog before!"
"Them there pitbulls can be right nasty... chew up old Bucky like a tasty treat and use his bones for a toothpick."
"Exactly! That ambulatory toothy gore factory starts growling at me. Pulls back his lips. Saliva starts dripping from his muzzle on to the path. His eyes get this crazy orange glow. I heard him muttering "Cat burger... cat buuuuurrrrggggeeeerrrr".
"Lords of hell and ladies of disrepute!!!! What did you do."
"Nothing! She did it! She did it! The little blonde girl saved me!!! She picked up a big old stick and bounced if off that brute's nose like some kind of ninja or something. It him so hard it crossed his eyes! He yelped and scooted down that path with his tail between his legs."
"Ohhhhh...." I said all knowing like. I could see where this was going.
"I was frozen Aimless. I didn't know what to do. She picked me up and then started rubbing my head and belly like only humans can do... and my STUPID kitty instincts kicked in and I started purring(!) and then the next thing I know I'm lapping up milk in her kitchen and she's asking her parents if she can keep me."
"What did they say?"
"The milk was really good."
I try to be a good sport. I try not to disrespect my fine lad and good friend, but I couldn't take it no more. I laughed until the tears fell out of me eyes in great rivers. Blood started squirting out me ears and spit was sprayed to the ceiling. When I was done Bucky just sat there in front of me with a look to freeze your soul. I thought he was going to jump me.
"Ahem... sorry about that mate. I wasn't laughing AT you I was laughing... yeah I was laughing at you." And then I started up again for another minute or too. Old Bucky's got some restraint because he still didn't jump me.
"I was hoping you would understand Aimless."
"I do mate I do and I have a way to turn this around to your favor. A way to make this another exploit about Bucky's excellent adventures in service to the dark lord."
That pricked up the lad's ears right straight. It was the first time all night I saw a spark of the old Bucky.
"You see you planned it this way... the dog... the purring... the mill. You set little blondie girl up so you could get into the family... as a SPY!"
Old Bucky's face went as bright as a super nova and I think I saw a tear at the corner of his eye.
"Aimless that's brilliant! You'll tell it that way?"
"For me best lad? In the beat of imp's bladder I will."
"Oh Aimless how can I ever repay you!?"
"Pah! Ain't nothing Bucky old boy. You and me is mates. That's what mates do."
Set me a fire in fireplace and Bucky curled up next to me and purred through the night. That's one thing humans don't get about us dark ones. We gots to have friends too, just a different sort is all.
Friday, January 18, 2008
"What's that old Bucky my friend," I asks him.
"I'm going to take down the little blond haired, blue eyed girl at the end of the street."
"Take her down?"
"Like a lion on a gazelle. I'll eat like a king for a week."
Now Bucky's a might sensitive about his size and all and he ain't no creature of power so I twisted up me guts not trying to laugh out loud."
"I've got it all figured out. She's always playing late a night near the edge of the woods. So I'm going to give her my best soulful meow and lure her into the woods. Then I'll get her to chase me down this old path and there's a big old root in that path and she'll trip on it and then I'll pounce! I'm going right for the jugular! Can you imagine? Little girls have got to taste soooo sweet."
"Wouldn't know old Bucky. Don't have many from where I come from. You sure you thought this through? She may be little for a human, but I'm thinking she's still six times your size."
"Are you doubting my feline fighting skills?"
"No mate, just your ability to work around the laws of physics."
"Hey! When she's down on the ground she's no taller than me!"
"But she'll still weigh the same mate. All she's got to do is roll on you and she'll turn you into a tube of toothpaste... not that I ever use the stuff meself... did taste it once though... kind of nice and minty it was."
"I'm gonna do it tonight Aimless! You'll see! All you dark boys will be talking about it for centuries! I bet Luke himself will come to see me about it. He'll probably give me take me into his clan... give me a real job with the corporation."
I just smiled. That Bucky's a rich one. Heart of a lion, but the body of a kitty. Oh well...
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Anyway I'm poking through the news looking for something that might warm me black hearted soul and what do I find? A rank amateur! I mean full out, mind numbingly incompetent. Back in the day when a brigand took to stealing there was blood to pay and screams for song. This here manky bit goes and shoots his left nut off! (http://www.cbs8.com/story.php?id=114776)
All I gots to say is detention is letting anyone join the ranks these days. Used to be a time when we had standards! This bit of stupidity would have been tossed on the bonfire and served up for dinner. Takes 'em out of the gene pool it does!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
"Look for anything suspicious," he says, "Miracles. Fine acts. Strange bouts of love, kindness and beauty. That's where the enemy will be. That's the reports I want."
With the monkey boys!? They's head down in global jihad... they call it. Everyone's a bloody terrorist! Where am I supposed to find acts of kindness. On top of that they make me skin crawl and I ain't a pretty picture without me skin... well for humans anyway.
So I combed the Internet looking for any malicious, maloderous acts of niceness and whatever else would turn my stomach and bundled up me findings right pretty in a spreadsheet. Old Mal taught me all this here technical folderol. I got to admit I like the old oogly googly. Makes finding that needle in the haystack as easy as puppy pie.
I give Tres my report and he just shakes his head and says, "This is why they named you aimless... no direction... no sense of order. What am I supposed to do with this?" Then he throws me work back on the table right under my nose like it's useless guts.
Oh he knows how to get under my skin, that one. He knows how to fry me gizzards up right toasty he does. He knows damn well how I got my name. It was for glory! It was for honor in battle! It was for the accounting of my talents in slaughter.... lack of direction... PAH!!!
Where was old Tres at the second ring war? He wasn't even a pimple on the arse of his monkey boy daddy. You see I got my name at the battle of the blood mound across from the northern rim of the first ring of hell. That's where Big-S broke through with his demon kin. A full legion of us lessor demons was waiting for 'em when they came through and I had charge of the crossbow boys at the top of the mound.
Big-S came in full on with his own legion of cave crusher trolls. They came in tossing boulders like pebbles and our entire front line went done in one pass. Nasty brutes those trolls... smashed into our spear men and broke 'em like twigs. Me crossbow boys was taking 'em down one by one, but it was too slow. They was wading through me mates below like calm surf. So I screamed to my mighty boys, "AIM LESS! SHOOT MORE! AIM LESS! SHOOT MORE!"
Oh that got that lot up. Was like a hail storm of iron and wood. The sky filled with our mighty bolts and more than one cave crusher looked like a porkypine. Troll blood ran in rivers down that mound and our spear boys and sword slayers waded back into the mess with renewed fire in their eyes.
We turned the tide on that lot and sent 'em back into the breach of the northern rim. They didn't come through MY section of the ring that day and old Luke knew who done him right. He heard my story and he gave me my name and I wears it with pride!
So old Tres can kiss my sorry Arse. What the hell kind of name is Tres anyway? Who's he to be disrespecting my Nom de Guerre? I earned it...
Oh and in case anyone's curious Bottlebottom is not the shape of my sitting piece! It's a family name earned by our singular reputation. Pass us the bottle and we'll drink it right down to the bottom! Now that's a Bottlebottom!!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
At first I thought the naughty tapes was made IN the hotel. I thought the mind numbingly dim series put the hotel ON a farm. Nice place for the pigs and chickens I thought and about time someone gave a break to the old farmer. But then they said the hotel was caught driving while intoxicated (I can't understand all that hubbub either... is there any other way to drive?) How can a bloody hotel fit in an auto?
So I'm talking to me mate Bucky Gutraker last night and I tell him how this here question is vexing me something fierce and he starts laughing! Rolls right on his back he does with peals of derisive laughter delivered in that demeaning fashion that only a feline can manage.
"Paris Hilton is girl dim wit not a hotel!" He says to me.
"What manky human names their offspring after a bloody hotel!" I says.
"Billionaire hotel owners who must advertise constantly to make even more billions," old Bucky opined.
So it weren't no celebrity hotel after all! Bloody humans don't know what celebrity is! They've got no measure of it. What did this blond twit every do except pull her knickers up for candid camera or drive around like an addled banshee what sucked too much soul?
Down in detention we got real heroes! Old Jack the Rippa' split many a pretty. Up here they got Kelly Ripa and as near as I can tell all she is is a hand maiden to some talking head named Regis. We got Blackbeard! They got Carrot Top! We got Sweeny Todd! They got PeeWee Herman! We got Lord Caine! They got no one what matches Lord Caine.
Oh now he's a right hero that one. Turned the tide in not one but two Ring Wars. They say he committed the first murder among humans! The first! Now there's a human to make the heart go all a flutter. Of course he's more than just a human now, he's a creature of power. A right "A number one" C.O.P. he is. I hear he's on the outs with old Luke though. Too bad, because he's one we need on our side.
All this time I've been thinking this little twit
Monday, January 14, 2008
Most cats work for the administration fending of the forces of darkness and work mostly on the dreamscape. I don't have much use for the lot of them, but Bucky's his own cat. He's saved my sorry arse a couple of times now and I've had the privilege to do the same for him.
A couple of years ago the gutter folk started showing up in the bigger cities on this here blue ball. I ain't got much use for rats either. Best served up on a bun is my motto, but Bucky likes 'em raw. That's the little kind, not the gutter folk. There as big as a small man and as mean sake what ate a porcupine. They's all stringy and tough meat, but they is pretty fun to hunt.
Tres partnered me and Bucky up to see what was up and we had a good old time hunting in the sewers of Boston and New York. Even old Luke don't like the gutter folk much. There's a rumor they own the seventh ring of hell, but I don't know anyone that's gone THAT far out. I guess old Luke's afraid they might come charging right around Big-S and make a stab for the first ring. There's a thought to squeeze yer loins.
Anyway it weren't nothing that big. I read all about it in this book, "The Sorcerer's Song and the Cat's Meow". Evidently the Lord Dark Seer had his sights set on this here big ball. Can you imagine? Taking on the Administration like that? I got to hand it to Lord Dark Seer. He's got some big ones.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
If you're wondering where here is I've been assigned to a place called Hopkinton which is a small town near Boston... home of the best tea party ever (I was there)! It used to be quiet when I first moved into the woods, but some of them corporations moved in and now the bloody autos make a racket noon and night. They call it progress.
Then there's the bloody caterwauling on the teley. Seems a couple o hundred years ago some forefathers got together and came up with this thing called democracy (I should have been paying attention at the tea party cause a couple of me fellow celebrants was going on about it). Those old boys would be spinning in their grave if they knew what their spawn done to their baby.
These here candidates never shut up! The go on and on about "issues" but excel at the art of never really saying anything. Oh but they'll take your money lickity split they will. They convinced all the other monkey boys and girls that money equals free speech. Ain't that rich! Ain't that the lint off a cockroach's ass! Even old Tres laughs at that one.
If the monkey boys ever knew how many of these here politicians were locked up in old Luke's pocket they'd be spittin' cement! Oh that would be rich. The indignation! The humiliation! The burning! You gots to have some good old burnings after indignation and humiliation...
Saturday, January 12, 2008
I hate these humans.
I hate my boss!
Most of all I hate my boss. Oh he's a slick one all right, Tres, is. He's got a soma what fits in right nice with the monkey boys... that is when they see him. He's one tough looking tall hombre, all big muscles, black eyes and blacker hair.
But me... I'm not impressed with the glamour but with what jobs he gives me... and what does he give? Observation! Always observation! Watch this Aimless. Watch that Aimless. Old Aimless is tired of watching monkey boys and girls. I didn't come up from detention to be a bloody video camera.
Now Jack Crack gets some right righteous assignments. Draws a little blood he does. Some say he's even got to mix it up with some Administration types. I hear tell he even gets to go to the shadowlands real soon. It just ain't fair! I've been on this here blue ball decades longer than old Jack and do I get even so much as a vacation.
So here I am stuck among the oblivious watching their mindless cavorting, caterwauling and canoodling. I guess all the wars are fun, the crime and the terrorism, but do they let me play? Keep your head down Aimless. Don't let them see you Aimless. Above all the Administration must not know you're here Aimless. Pah!!! Do I give a rat's ass about the Administration? Those pukes are so busy and befuddled they barely make it through their day serving their pansy, candy assed supervisors.
And it's got worse! In the old days the monkey boys was fine with their guns, and their swords, and their knives, charging about slaughtering each other. There was none of this technology. By the dark god's beard they can't stop changing a thing now! Change, change, change, day in and day out.
Used to be a man could get up in the morning and expect to find his things the way he left them. Now the bloody toilet flushes itself! The horse is gone and the auto starts itself up and tells YOU were to go! Weapons aim themselves and wait for you to pull the trigger. What fun is there in that? The damn teley's got 500 stations what's never got anything good on anyway. The phone's plugged right into your ear now, and everyone's walking around looking like cybermen from Doctor Who (me favorite show although I think the Daleks have been getting the shaft all these years).
And then there's the computers. They're everwhere! Malicious Intent loves the computers. Old Mal is always coming up with new ways to sabotage the Monkey boy's electronic toys, but me I can't stand 'em. They're always crashing, and bleeping and blooping and never do what you tell 'em to anyway. Took me two whole days to figure out this here blog thing and Mal had to help me...
I think I like this blog thing though. I used to keep a diary, but me last one got burned up in Chicago. Three hundred years of entries up in smoke. I was so depressed I stayed drunk for a year and didn't hurt nothing.
Mal tells me these here blogs are backed up. I'm not quite sure what that means, but I know enough about computers that I can get at it from anywhere on this blue ball I go. Mal gave me one of his magic accounts so I can log on from anywhere and do my business. Of course old Tres just wants me to file me reports online. He don't know nothing about this here blog. That's my business.
I guess I got to observe now. I'm watching something called Tickleman's. Christians I think. Nothing I hate more than Christians... cept maybe Tres.